Strive

Pain always leads to logic-which is very bad for you-Frank O’Hara


Escape lay in several things: work (school, college, university) to focus his mind, music to soothe his thoughts and video games where he was in charge, where he could control events rather than be battered by the winds of change.

Battering, he thought. No, don’t go back there.

There was no use getting worked up about the past, no use getting worked up at all. He loaded in the disc and took control, gripping the controller tightly like a drowning man holds the rope that saves him from dark water beneath him.
He would not cry, he would not bemoan fate or let his emotions get the better of him. Emotions just hurt you in the end. The only refuge is logic.

Logic and clear thinking. They are the answer. Not fanciful emotions, they just get in the way. No, better to switch off the light and close the door.

Yet, even as he moved the character in front of him, he felt adrift, cut off. Running, jumping, stomping on enemies. He expected to feel pleased with his progress but his heart wasn’t in it.
The controller fell to his lap unnoticed as he pursed his lips.

‘To live without emotions...’ he murmured. It sounded like a line in a play. ‘Well, what difference does it make? Life is hard no matter what you do.’

He glanced at the space beside him, then he looked round the empty room. It was neither a large room nor a small room, just an average-sized room. It had a bed, a desk with neat piles of books and papers in front of a keyboard and computer monitor. A desk chair that he sat in with the console in front of him in a corner.

He felt he was missing something, something that he wanted but felt he couldn’t have. He probably knew the answer already but he didn’t want to dwell on it, even if it refused to go away and leave him alone.

He still pursed his lips as though the thought left a bad taste in his mouth. Then he shook himself. No point crying like a little child. He wasn’t a child anymore, he was a man. He had be strong and tough, not moping and sulking.

The controller slipped down to the floor with a dull thud. Still, his eyes glanced at the blank space which could fit another person. The feeling inside him was still there.

‘Where is everyone?’ He asked aloud.

No one answered.

A single tear gathered like a raindrop on a leaf and slid down his cheek.
He let it fall.